"25 mg"

Since my previous entry I've:

A.) Moved one town over.
B.) Moved in with my girlfriend.
C.) Edited an independent feature film.
D.) Gone on tour.
E.) Been appointed lead editor on 3 or 4 different projects.

and yet I wouldn't call myself accomplished or happy. I lay awake almost every night thinking I should be doing more and worrying about everything that I'm not doing.

Some common complaints of my brain are:

A.) You're 26 and you haven't finished a feature script yet.
B.) You haven't won any awards for anything film related since 2004.
C.) You drive a Hyundai.
D.) You are completely dependent on depressants just to feel level.
E.) You are fat and annoying.
F.) You're getting old and your youth experiences are fading fast.
G.) You find fault with the film industry, the political left, and the independent music scene because you are a fucking hack.
H.) You're parents think you're a drunk.
I.) You don't deserve a beautiful, patient, and intimidatingly intelligent girlfriend.
J.) You don't own a dog, and you probably shouldn't own a plant.
K.) People your age know more about useless elitest bullshit like mid-century furniture, and modern art than you could ever hope to.
L.) Total dick crippling agoraphobia is just around the corner.

What does it all mean? Suicide?

You may remember me talking about something called Sertraline a while back. Well for those of you who forgot; Sertraline is the generic term for a happy little drug known as Zolofft. You may also remember I attempted to switch from Zolofft to Wellbutrin a few months back and went through a series of hilariously tragic nervous breakdowns.



Well on those few days on tour I frequently forgot to take my Sertraline and as a result was pretty strange by the time I got home. I also realized after a mad dash of pill gobbling that Sertraline not only completely kills my sex drive, but also makes me one cranky and temperamental bastard.

Now cranky tempermental bastardism runs in my family, I mean, we're Irish for fucks sake, but Sertraline gives me the super strength to dedicate to unnecessary punching, screaming, swearing, obsessing, and other things people from the Celtic tradition are prone to.

After pondering whether or not this level of annoyance was based on genetics or driven by my hair is turning grey and my industry being a sea of self congratulatory nepotists who won't give a newcomer a shot, I decided that it was time for a change regardless.

The extreme crankiness mixed with the all but extinct sex drive was reason enough to quit SSRIs until my next horrendous existential crisis. Unfortunately I lost my doctor's phone number and finding it via Google is beyond the first page of results, so I'm doing this on my own.

I started by splitting each 50mg pill in half and taking one dose of "25mg" a day. So far things seem fine. After a regimen of this for two weeks I hope to purchase a pill cutter and cut each pill into fifths. At which point I will limit myself to "10 mg" a day for two weeks. Then I will be cutting pills into tenths and taking a mere "5 mg" a day. Finally I will be taking no pills and will thus be clean and hopefully having lots of sex, and relaxing in traffic.

Now I know you must be asking "How the hell are you going to cope with withdrawal? I've heard that SSRI withdrawal is worse than opiate withdrawal." Well listen up you lucky Seratonin saturated dick head, here's my plan.

I quit Lexapro cold turkey a few years back and it was FUCKING CRAZY. I mean, really, really weird, physically painful, and mentally terrifying. If possible I'd like to avoid that this time around.



I'm hoping that with a staggered phasing out of Sertraline, a heavy reliance on good old country cure alls like alcohol and marijuana, an abundance of Simpsons DVDs, a patient girlfriend, a gym membership, and a supreme abundance of graphic novels that this transition will be relatively pain free.

Now I could have gotten a prescription for something like Xanax if my doctor's phone number was more readily available, but to be honest, fuck that, he doubted me when I cited side effects for Zolofft and withdrawal symptoms from other SSRIs. He has no idea. Drug company stooge.