Bad Movies

Is it just me or are movies getting worse?

I know a lot of film nerds like myself went around saying 2007 was a great year for movies. We're right too... Kind of. In some ways it was, but I've seen a few disasters lately that are making me reconsider.

Sure, '07 brought us instant classics like "No Country For Old Men", "There Will Be Blood", and a few other films that were rife with memorable characters, quotable dialogue, and enough existential terror to make Errol Morris blush.But on the other hand 2007 also blessed us with a whole bunch of effects heavy shit-messes like "Hitman" and "I Am Legend", which brings us to our reviews for the week.
OK. I was going to review "Hitman" the movie based on a videogame based on a movie, but honestly what is the fucking point. In short, "Hitman" is a mess, and even if you watch it drunk it's not very good. The script is garbage, the acting is terrible, and the plot is so ridiculous that it makes "I Am Legend" look rational.
I did a bunch of drugs last night and watched "I Am Legend" and it still was a piece of garbage. Yes folks it's true, the voice talents of Mr. Mike Patton (Fantomas, Faith No More, Mr. Bungle, Peeping Tom... He does the voices of all the monsters) couldn't save this piece of fuck.

If you didn't know, "I Am Legend" is based on the book of the same name which was famously made into "The Omega Man" with Charlton Heston.
"The Omega Man" went on to be parodied by both The Simpsons and The Family Guy (no way!)and has what very well may be the worst musical score in film history. Seriously. You need to hear this piece of shit. It's awesome.

Back on track. Let me start by saying "I Am Legend" has some of the absolute WORST special effects I have seen since I watched Mortal Kombat: Annihilation once when I was home sick from school.
The monsters, the abandoned streets of NYC, the fucking deer (and at one point the dog) all look so fake you'd think you were playing "Ground Zero Texas". There's one scene in the movie that is obviously a total render, and looks worse or as bad as most of the effects in a Sega CD game.

This is unacceptable. If Hollywood is going to keep focusing on effects extravaganzas and ignoring good storytelling then at least the effects should be good. Go back and watch "John Carpenter's: The Thing" or "Ghostbusters".

Is it just me or were these effects a whole lot more convincing than the shit H-wood is churning out 20 years later?

On top of the that, the filmmakers took a very interesting concept; the cure for cancer mutates into a super disease and kills (almost) everyone on earth, deforming the rest, and leaving a small handful of survivors to fend for themselves, and did EVERYTHING THEY POSSIBLY COULD TO FUCK IT UP.

Don't get me wrong, "I Am Legend" has its moments. Really. There was one that I loved... LOVED. But overall the movie is just one big self important mess that seemingly has NO IDEA what themes it is attempting to explore.

My biggest complaint (and boy oh boy is this nitpicky) is that at one point Will Smith mentions Bob Marley to a fellow survivor and she has no clue who Bob Marley is. REALLY? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? Not only does she not know who Bob Marley is, but to compound this completely unbelievable moment she actually KNOWS who Damien Marley is!!!!!! COME ON!!!!! Who wrote this? A fucking mental patient? Everyone who has ever heard of anything that has to do with Jamaica, Reggae, or Rastafarianism KNOWS who the fuck Bob Marley is. OK, I'd even venture to say that anyone who has ever heard music knows who the fuck Bob Marley is ESPECIALLY if they know who Damien is.

At this point this movie totally lost me. I was hanging on, ignoring the terrible effects, and some of the increasingly cheesed out dialog, but no mas. I simply couldn't take it seriously after such lazy fucking writing.

Keep in mind, "I Am Legend" was in production hell for at least ten years. In fact, Governor Schwarzenegger was originally supposed to play the role that went to Will Smith. This is never a good sign, which is why I'm kind of terrified of the new Indiana Jones.

Throw in one of the worst endings I have seen in a long time, and you have a recipe for one terrible movie going experience that no amount of prescription narcotics can save you from.

UPDATE: Here is the original ending that the studio took a shit over because lame red-staters can't deal with a downer or any sort of interesting commentary. It doesn't save this piece of shit, but its certainly better than the one I saw. You may recognize one of the shots FROM THE TRAILER. Meaning this was probably a real 11th hour replacement.